I've never known what it's like to forget everything. To not feel anything. For the first time in my life, I forget to eat...all day...two days. I don't feel hunger because it's covered up by a different kind of ache. I've never known no motivation to go to the gym...for 6 weeks straight. What is it that I have become to not find joy in anything? I try, for short bursts to make myself find enjoyment in the things that used to make me happy, but they still seem so empty. Is it the emptiness of a person?..of me? The world seems grey, icecream is just a tasteless paste, I have noone to share my flowers with, so who cares how good they smell, how beautiful they are. And if there was a person, I'd smile, give her the flowers and walk away. Why enjoy something with someone. It doesn't last. Why do we send letters?...in the end they are just paper with ink on them. Emotions attached to them long ago no longer have meaning....they must never have meant anything in the first place. Why do we listen to music?... Music hurts. I used to be able to lay out in a park on a beautiful day, stare up at a blue sky with some amazing soundtrack resonating in my ears, I was so optimistic. I cared about everything, everything was vibrant with color, teaming with activity, I was alive. I wanted to share that with someone, but I lost myself. I slipped away. I had to search within myself for the strength to understand why it just wasn't simple...clear cut..we were meant to be, I had to keep fighting for it, being patient for it until I broke without even knowing it. Emotions...feelings, I've finally conquered them and locked them up. Only, with the pain gone, so it my joy. For now, it's worth it. I can get myself out of bed before noon. I can at least think about eating. When will i have the courage to open up again?
At 11pm tonight I put on my running shoes and sprinted out the front door. I didn't stop for half an hour. I must have run 5 miles on a cold body. It is a crystal clear night. And there is no light pollution up here in the mountains. I saw stars...and a big huge bright moon. Everything was cold and crisp and silent. I ran on trails through the mountains wondering if some creature would jump out at me. I remembered my balcony in Egypt. So many dreams. Why do we let others tear them away from us? Talk "sense" into us, as if they were there and understood what we felt then. They weren't. I let myself live for those feelings. It was so obvious what my life's path should be, and who I should spend it with. They say that any two righteous people..striving for celestial lives.. can spend this life happily together. Well if that were the only requirement I'd say the experiences and feelings we shared put us light years ahead of that.
How many people have stared at the moon, in all the ages of time, in all the continents and kingdoms, from all classes and casts, and wished, and wondered. When will she come? When will I be able to open and rest this heart in love? We dream of epic love. Try dreaming once you've had that, only to have lost it.
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