The Dancers.

I had a long talk with one of the dancers about an interesting topic. I don't really want most of it public but I don't want to forget it. Basically I was told that all the dancers want me and all I have to do is flirt with them and I could take anyone of them home with me and have my way. That I don't act sexy enough, I don't give off a sexual vibe and that I'm crazy for not having sex. I REALLY don't fit in here.

No need for Magic.

Yup, it's true. Rich men get the beautiful girls. That's basically all I see here. This tells me that beauty is most important to men, and money is most important to women. It is so widespread in everywhere that I've seen that I don't think it's shallow, I think it's just how it is. This also tells me I'm a long way from marriage. I don't care how much or little money I have, I don't want to be with someone who loves me for it. I have passed up so many opportunities to have a lot of material things and participate in immoral activities but instead I stand by and watch those around me do them. It makes me lonely. It's like I'm harnessing all my strength to be a good man with integrity and virtue in all things day in and day out and not really getting anything out of it accept the ability to say to myself "I'm a good man". It's becoming less and less fulfilling as I watch others getting ahead in life by means that I haven't let myself. The offers are there so why don't I take them? The answer is easy the first few hundred times. "Because it's wrong". But here I am 27.5 years old and no girlfriend because I'm not good enough for the Mormon girls whose families have always been members, and I'm to goody goody for the girls that want a man who will go out and have a drink and at least have sex considered for a few dates down the road. I feel like my magic has run out. My world used to be so magical. The hardest part is knowing that I know how to make it magical and serendipitous yet I don't because as much joy it brings me, each time so far a lot of pain has been waiting at the end.

Driving School Cars and Haircuts.

I love the driving school cars here. They HAVE to stop for you. They are everywhere and make it easy to cross the street.

I got my hair cute for the 3rd time since I've been here. I'm getting frustrated. Usually when you pay $15 bucks for a mens haircut in the states, you walk out feeling attractive. You go to get your haircut so you'll look better and enjoy your appearance more. I usually get my hair cut about 3 days before anything that's big to me, like a really anticipated date or something I just really want to look good to. Well, I dread every time my hair is so long I need to get it cut, because as bad as it looks... It is guaranteed to look worse after I get it cut. So for the 3rd time in China, after getting it cut, instead of walking out feeling like a million bucks, I walked out feeling like a piece of poo. And I wanted to look good for someone!!! DANG IT!!!! Several girls that are just my friends have even said, you don't look good with your hair like that. (It's currently the length of tennis ball fuzz!!). I told the guy exactly what to do, who was totally fluent in English let alone knew all the terminology of haircuts! Grrrrrr! When will I feel good after a cut again?!!!

A feeling I love.

I love those times when I've been walking and I'll look up, and in front of me is the girl.  The girl I have a mad crush on and my heart starts to beat out of my chest.  The girl I might not know at all, or maybe I know her well but have just recently fallen for.  My heart beats so hard because she might know.  Maybe she has sensed how I'm feeling before, maybe I made a little comment about who I'm crushing on to a friend who went and passed it on to her friends who maybe passed it on to her.  Maybe I spilled all the beans to someone who spilled all the beans straight to her.  Maybe she doesn't know anything at all, or me at all.  There have been a few girls and really only a handful of times when that unexpected pleasant surprise of her being so perfectly placed in my path gets my heart racing.  They are some of my favorite memories.